After miscarrying my baby at eleven weeks gestation, I received cards from other moms who had also lost an unborn child. I was surprised that I had never heard most of them talk about it before. It seemed that many had grieved alone in silence. Some well-meaning people made comments that cut straight to my heart:

“At least you lost the baby early on.”

“Well, you still have all the other kids.”

My journey was complicated by anger and guilt. Initially, I blamed my biological father who sent me a letter that set off an emotional storm inside of me. Eating and sleeping well evaded me as my stress level skyrocketed. There was a burning sensation running along my neck and shoulders. I remember saying that if I lost my baby, it would be his fault…and sure enough, the baby was lost a short time later.

(Image by Ulrike Mai from Pixabay)

Effortlessly, I started writing down my feelings which quickly turned into a poem that I dedicated to our unborn baby:

“Forever In My Heart”

by Sharon Braunlin

Dedicated to Baby Chris

December 28, 1996

Though I never held you in my arms

I’ll always hold you in my heart

The grief I feel from losing you

Is tearing me apart

No memories of your smiling face

Oh, what am I to do?

No memories of your warm embrace

Yet inside I carried you

A sweet little life

So tender and new

Like a beautiful rosebud

Inside me you grew

Fashioned uniquely

As part of God’s plan

A precious miracle

Knit by His loving hands

Although time was short

That He gave us to share

I’ll meet you in heaven

And always be near

My husband and I decided to have a private memorial service with our other children. This helped to bring some closure and comfort. I asked my husband to buy a piece of jewelry for me in memory of our baby, whom we named Chris. I selected a special bracelet that sparkled with the birthstones representing the month when our little one left this earth in the arms of Jesus. It has been meaningful to me having something tangible by which to remember Chris.

Feelings of anger soon shifted toward God: “WHY did YOU let this happen? Are you punishing me for getting myself so worked up?! Next, I started blaming myself for the way I reacted to the letter. I cried myself to sleep night after night as I held my now empty abdomen. One night as I lie in bed listening to the radio, God gently spoke to me through a beautiful pro-life song. It brought me a certain level of comfort. Eventually, I was able to let go of the anger, guilt and blame-game.

Six months later, by the grace of God, our *”Rainbow Baby” was conceived and I cannot imagine life without this precious addition to our family. God truly does ‘heal the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

(Image by Frank Becker from Pixabay)

*”A rainbow baby is a baby that is born after a miscarriage, stillbirth, or loss of an infant.” Dictionary.com