One of the most difficult words for me to say to my children is NO. Yet, valuable lessons can be learned when they are denied certain things. Think of this as preparing our kids for life. Sometimes it’s essential to say no in order to protect our kids. Other times circumstances prevent us from saying YES.

The late Elisabeth Elliot, missionary, author and speaker, interviewed her daughter, Valerie, on her radio broadcast, Gateway to Joy. They were discussing the importance of learning self-denial. Saying no to children’s seemingly trivial requests at times helps them to be more prepared to say no to bigger things in life . It will help them to face bigger disappointments as well. Allowing our kids to stay up past their bedtime (with exceptions on special occasions), to eat too many sweets or to watch too much TV will deny them the gift of self- discipline.

Showing respect to others means that we cannot always have it our way. We need to learn the art of healthy compromise such as allowing a friend to choose the next game or letting a sibling go down the slide first. Who wants to be around a child who is throwing a tantrum or hitting another child because he can’t get what he wants? Our kids will test the limits, so it takes patience and endurance on our part as well as consistency. I have failed many times in this arena, but I am so thankful for God’s forgiveness and grace to get up and start over again. The interesting thing is that while we are teaching our children, God is teaching us!

Why is it so hard to say NO?

I think we sometimes equate “giving in” with loving someone. There are times when saying no IS the loving thing to do. Our kids are faced with increasing pressures on every side. Having the ability to resist temptations is crucial. Getting their own way all the time will make it harder for them to say no to more serious things such as resisting peer pressure or avoiding an abusive relationship. Self-discipline, endurance and patience are all good attributes learned in the school of NO.

Another reason we might feel inclined to say yes too often to our kids is that we want our kids to have a better life than we did. We can mistakenly think that this means allowing them to do whatever they like. However, having firm boundaries and rules are very important for children to feel safe and secure.

Living in an instant gratification world can cause us to feel that we have to say YES to our children or else they will miss out on some great opportunity. Yes, they might miss out on an event or activity taking place, but they are gaining virtues that will last a lifetime.

I remember a time when my young daughter was chosen for a role in a popular children’s program. Although I wished I could sign the contract for her, it would have entailed ten hour round trips for an indefinite number of weeks or staying overnight out of state. This was at a time when we were packing up and preparing to move 18 hours away. Sadly, we had to decline the offer and I felt miserable as I squashed her long-awaited dream.

Another daughter was invited to join a traveling sports team. It would require being away many weekends. After thinking and praying about it, we decided that it would interfere with regular worship services on Sundays and that it would quickly become expensive and would dominate our family life. Our daughter seemed to accept our decision, which was a relief. Even if she had not accepted it, we needed to stick to our decision because in the long run, it was best for everyone in the family, including her.

Our children might not heed the lessons that we hope to instill by making choices that we believe are best for them. At that point, we need to realize that as parents we are called by God to raise our children “in the way they should go” regardless of how how they may react or how they decide to navigate their lives as adults.

Look at the big picture—preparing them for the times in life when it is best to say no even to good things. I had to learn that the hard way by being overly busy in serving outside the home and burning out. We cannot have it all, do it all or be everything to everyone. So why not train our children early on that life brings a mix of opportunities to pursue along with others that are just not for us, at least not at the present time. I have found that finding the right balance brings more peace and order to the home.

“Denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously and godly in this present world.” Titus 2:12